Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
