I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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