why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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