if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
