If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
