Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
