but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
