Apparently you make a good broom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
