Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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