Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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