Who wears a wallet chain?!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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