Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
