So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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