So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
