we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
