apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
