3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
