whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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