i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
