Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My liver just had a heart attack.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
