The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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