It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
