You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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