Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
