Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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