Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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