omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so let's talk penis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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