I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
