There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
