i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
