Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You are a genius and a whore.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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