I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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