He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
