Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
