I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
