I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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