I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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