not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think I am morally bankrupt
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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