I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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