Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
