I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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