I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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