battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
