Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
