Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
