hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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