I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
