Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
