wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
