They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
