____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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