thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
