She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
