Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
