Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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