You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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