I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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